Sir Topham Hatt Vs Gordon
by Jemascola
Summary: Sir Topham Hatt goes crazy one day and decides to challenge Gordon to a race...on foot!
1. Chapter 1

**Sir Topham Hatt Vs. Gordon**

_**By Joe**_

**Summary:** Sir Topham Hatt goes crazy one day and decides to challenge Gordon to a race…on foot!

**Author Notes:** I do not own _Thomas the Tank Engine_, its characters, or any other copyrighted material. Also, parts of this story contain material not suitable for young children.

**Chapter 1**

One stormy day on the Island of Sodor, the leader of the railway, Sir Topham Hatt, sat in his office, looking out the window to watch the engines work. But things were not entirely peaceful on the railway. A red mixed-traffic engine, James, was getting into an argument with a big blue engine named Gordon. They were arguing about who was to take the express.

"Sir Topham Hatt ordered me to take the express!" demanded James.

"Why would he employ you? I'm much better for taking the express. Besides, don't you have cars to shunt?" Gordon snorted.

"No, I don't," snapped James. "And it's about time you did your share of the **real** work around here. Maybe that'll take your ego down a notch!"

Sir Topham Hatt sighed. The engines got in many squabbles just like this before, but he was tired about having to constantly deal with it. It was very stressful to him. Sir Topham Hatt felt his stress level rising to a level that had never been reached before. He felt as though he were about to have a heart attack. Then, his wife, Lady Hatt, entered the office.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asked.

"I'm tired of those engines squabbling every day," sighed Sir Topham Hatt. "I need something to calm my nerves."

"Come with me," said Lady Hatt. "I think I know what you need." Sir Topham Hatt followed his wife outside and into a garden by the office, where he saw these funny green plants. "W-what's that?" Sir Topham Hatt asked.

"It's marijuana," his wife said. "Smoke it, and you will feel invincible."

"Well, I don't believe in smoking, but now I'm so stressed, I do need something to calm down with."

Sir Topham Hatt later found himself in his office smoking marijuana. He began to see funny colors. His dark office lit up with all colors of the rainbow. "I'm in fantasyland! Woo hoo!" bellowed Sir Topham Hatt. "I think I'll go outside and deal with Gordon and James."

He then bounced outside, thinking that the ground was made of clouds. He then rushed over to the rail where Gordon and James were arguing.

"Sir Topham Hatt, Gordon says I can't pull the express," whined James.

"James is too small to pull the express," snapped Gordon.

"Gordon, just shut up and let James pull the damn express," snapped Sir Topham Hatt. But then, the Fat Controller's mind on pot gave him a "brilliant" idea. "In fact, Gordon, I have a bone to pick with you!"

"What!" roared Gordon.

"That's right. I challenge you – to a race!"

Both Gordon and James looked at Sir Topham Hatt as though he were absurd. "**You!**" Gordon laughed.

"Yes, me. Find something funny, fatass?"

"Yeah…I'm an engine…you're a human. You can't even begin to win a race against me," said Gordon.

"I've lately gotten superpowers!" announced Sir Topham Hatt. "What are you waiting for? Let's meet at Knapford Station, and we shall begin the race! We race from Knapford Station all the way to your hill!"

"You're on!" Gordon chuckled. "This should be an easy victory for me."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Sir Topham Hatt met Gordon at Knapford Station and stood next to the rail. Gordon began laughing his head off, while Sir Topham Hatt was shaking in a daze as he vibrated to the rhythm of all the psychedelic colors that appeared before his eyes.

"Ready?" Gordon asked. Sir Topham Hatt nodded in a dizzy state. Gordon raced off the tracks, leaving Sir Topham Hatt limping behind on one of the rails. Gordon laughed. "This race is pathetic. It is surely obvious that I will win. Sir Topham Hatt will never beat me." Just as Gordon was heading toward his hill, he felt a strange sensation in his boiler. He rattled and rattled and finally broke down right on the tracks. The bolts on the center segment of his boiler fell out, and the center segment moved out of alignment. That created a small opening, which led to the massive discharge of water from the boiler. "Oh drat!" he snorted. "What's the problem?"

Gordon's driver and fireman got out of the cab to inspect Gordon. "It looks as though you need a new boiler. The old one was rusty, and the bolts were loose. It was bound to fall apart sooner or later," Gordon's fireman said.

"**A new boiler!**" shouted Gordon. "That's absurd! I don't need a new boiler. I'll show you!" Gordon tried to advance forward on the rail, but he was unable to do so.

Meanwhile, Sir Topham Hatt was still prancing down the tracks, hearing beautiful music all around him and seeing rainbow colors all over. He giggled in a dopey laugh. James and Thomas, who witnessed the race, shook their heads. "Gordon has clearly won the race," James said. "This whole thing was stupid to begin with."

"I agree," said Thomas. "I wonder what's wrong with Sir Topham Hatt. He's usually not so idiotic like this."

"Maybe it was something he ate," James said.

"Or smoked!" Percy laughed from behind them. He had heard Thomas and James talking, so he decided to join in on the conversation.

"Whatever do you mean, Percy?" Thomas asked.

"Sir Topham Hatt smoked this drug called mary-mary-joo-ana," Percy said. "And because of it, he's been acting insane."

"That's nonsense, Percy," said James. "Sir Topham Hatt would never smoke."

"Or would he?" thought Percy.

"Well, you have to admit, he sure acts like he's high," said James.

"We've got to stop Sir Topham Hatt before he hurts himself!" said Thomas. Instantly, the three engines rushed after Sir Topham Hatt.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Sir Topham Hatt's fantasy world was interrupted by the annoying loud sound of three engines steaming his way. Sir Topham Hatt looked in the direction of the engines, and he envisioned them as big black dragons. Frightened, he picked up the pace and began to run as fast as possible. He darted awkwardly down the track as Thomas, James, and Percy thundered toward him. Sir Topham Hatt continued to run faster, heading forward toward the beautiful fantasy world full of color and beautiful music. He had to get away from the engines.

"Oh no, a zillion ka-jillion dragons! Get away from me, you demons!" he shouted.

James, Thomas, and Percy gave each other questionable looks. Sir Topham Hatt was really out of it! They continued to chase after him. They didn't want him to do anything stupid that would get him hurt.

As it turned out, the engines chased Sir Topham Hatt all the way to Gordon's Hill. However, Thomas, James, and Percy were all shocked when they saw that Gordon had broken down and not yet gone up the hill. Perhaps Sir Topham Hatt had a chance after all! Gordon was equally shocked when he saw Sir Topham Hatt skipping away from James, Thomas, and Percy.

"Gordon, what happened to you?" Percy asked. "Surely you would have won the race already."

"I broke down!" snapped Gordon. He grumbled, feeling embarrassed that he was unable to win against a human.

James and Thomas continued to chase Sir Topham Hatt up the hill. "Sir Topham Hatt, stop! Don't hurt yourself!" cried Thomas.

The Fat Controller turned around and gave Thomas and James a dangerous look. "Leave me alone!" he hollered. "I hate you, evil dragons!" He then bolted all the way up Gordon's Hill in only 5 seconds, faster than Gordon or any other engine had ever done. But he didn't stop there. He continued going all the way down to the next station. Suddenly, he slipped on one of the rails and fell. "Ow…" he moaned.

Thomas, James, and Percy chugged to the station and found Sir Topham Hatt. "See, we told you that you would hurt yourself," said Percy.

"Okay, dragons, you win, now just leave me alone! Ow…"

"Sir Topham Hatt, we're not dragons. We're engines. Engines that are part of your railway."

The man chuckled his head off. "Nice try, dragons, but I know better." His head then hit the ground hard. He was knocked unconscious.

Days later, Sir Topham Hatt awoke in a daze. He was in the hospital. His wife was by his side. "W-where am I?" the Fat Controller asked.

"You're in the hospital, dear," said Lady Hatt. "You smoked all that marijuana and got high off it. You then challenged Gordon to a race and hurt yourself on the rails."

"**_I challenged Gordon to a race?_** That's the stupidest thing I have ever done! We all know that Gordon won!"

"No, dear," laughed Lady Hatt. "The funny thing is that **you** actually won!" She continued to laugh her head off.

Sir Topham Hatt suddenly felt dizzy and went back to sleep again. What a weird adventure he'd experienced.

**The End**


End file.
